Sex Geekdom Homecoming 4/10- A Sex Geeks Guide to Coconut Sex
Yesssss it’s my Sex Geekdom Homecoming, 10 days, 10 articles and I’m still sharing stories from the vault, from the field and some from the heart. This one however, is straight from the bottle.
Sex is a lot like Ikea Furniture. We’re expected to know what to do with little or no instruction, it can often go wrong and lesbians always do it better. So when I decided to tackle coconut oil and sex, I knew I was gonna need more than a gender-neutral blob person and an alan key. Sex with coconut oil is a whole nudda level.
It may seems like a simple enough formula; object (coconut oil) + function (lubrication) + act (sex) = ?
The fact is within each of these components there are so many variations. Virgin coconut oil or regular? What kind of sex are we talking about, vaginal intercourse or anal? Condom or condomless? Are we using toys today?
The other confusing part of all of this is when I say lubrication I’m thinking as a substitute for ya run-of-the-mill water-based or slightly more fancy blended silicone lubricant. But who gets to decide what’s run-of-the-mill? You might be going through a tub of Crisco every weekend and if that is the case, rock on, brother.
The list of things people use to fight friction is long. It contains products that are not only found in the personal hygiene aisle of your local supermarket, but in the food and condiment section as well.
This isn’t an endorsement, but the reality is when it comes to lube people use whatever is in reach when sex occurs. From vaseline, baby oil, body lotion or shampoo, to butter/margarine, yoghurt, and cooking oils. Yep, yoghurt.
And finally there’s coconuts themselves. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge coconut fan. Scrape it, smoke it, burn it, plant it, put it on your cereal, make it into jelly, or make your house out of it- it really is a magical plant.
I’m also a cynical, grinchy, ba-hum-bugger of a skeptic. Successive vegan roommates have attempted to get me participate in their daily Spirulina green smoothie ritual, believing it’ll add years to my life. I have fiercely resisted their organic hippie Kool-Aid. Although I will admit I could do with the extra nutrients, I’m still gonna opt for a hot cup of coffee over pond scum. #sorrynotsorry
But Everyone is coco for coconuts and nowhere more so than the Pacific. I once saw a poster listing the ‘major benefits’ of virgin coconut oil proudly displayed here in Honiara. One of the craziest claims is that coconut oil is effective against HIV/AIDS. Coco-what-now?
So despite preliminary research into coconut oil as lubricant that yielded two very intriguing hits on google-“Man Rapes Injured Cow Using Coconut Oil as Lubricant” and “Will Using Coconut Oil as a Lubricant Help My Thyroid?” I found a lot of crazy.
The people who had great ideas about sensual couples massages using coconut oil were the same people who suggested inserting probiotic tablets into your vagina before bed.
(Look, I’ve done a first aid course or two and watched enough Greys Anatomy to know what a ‘Whipple’ is, but I’m still not a huge fan of self-diagnosing and treating vaginal infections. See a doctor, find out what ya dealing with and discuss both natural and conventional approaches.)
The guys who advised testing coconut oil on your wrist first to see if you had any allergies, waiting before using it on your genitals, got major props for their sound advice. Sadly they were also more interested in whether or not coconuts were ‘paleo’ enough.
And before I’m simultaneously mobbed by angry vegans, vaginal probioticists and paleo peeps, I’m not here to judge what you choose to put inside your body. All I’m saying when it comes to coconut oil, there ain’t a lot of quality information out there.
I also wanted more than conventional wisdom. Most of us know that household products, things in your pantry and potions under the kitchen sink can have a damaging effect on latex condoms. For example, both haemorrhoid cream and fish oil are listed here as ‘household products that should not be used with latex condoms’. This simultaneously confuses me and weirdly reminds me that I should call my parents.
So here is my lowdown, and yes I am well aware of the multiple claims that coconut oil prevents Alzheimer’s or has amazing anti-fungal properties. If natural methods are your thing, and you have a life philosophy that prefers natural solution- go for it. But coconut oil is not a cure-all, it’s an oil. An oil, that is made from coconut. Radical I know.
Not surprisingly, it also smells like coconut. You can eat it, cook with it, but I wouldn’t mainline it. I’ll even give you oil pulling, but I’m still putting my money on flossing and brushing. Put it on your skin but let’s not substitute it for things like betadine, sunscreen, or prescription medication. Put it in your hair for a shiny finish, but don’t throw out ya shampoo and conditioner.
In the bedroom (or wherever sex happens for you, let’s not get bogged down in details) coconut oil can be used for; masturbation, massage (you might want to use an old sheet to prevent stains), oral sex (if you like the taste), penetrative sex without condoms or penetrative sex with polyurethane condoms, same rules apply if your using a penis or silicone toys
That’s it. Go forth and get ya coconut on.
Not satisfied? Don’t wanna just take my word for it? Good. You’re either more of a skeptic than I am, or want the coco-juicy details. I like that, we should probably date. Call me.
In the end, there is no use tackling this like a public health nerd, we’re sex geeks after all.
So I did what any upstanding member of the sex geek community would do, I e-mailed my sex geek friends, asked them to get coco-sexy in a way of their choosing and then tell me all about it. This is what they came up with.
#1 The Coconut popsicle – or how coconut oil changed the fellatio game.
The challenge: incorporate coconut oil into your sex life. I’m always open to trying new things, and this involved food, so the challenge was more than accepted.
We had just come home from a midday lazy Sunday brunch and we had the entire afternoon to do everything or nothing. I decided on the coconut oil. We were already lazing on the bed, so I jumped up and came back with the jar of solidified white coconut goodness. Using a spoon (food safety, always), I dished out a few heaps and started to rub it into the parts of his body that I would be giving the most attention; his nipples and his cock. The first thing I noticed was the way the oil melted within seconds of touching his skin. He noticed too, commenting on how nice the warming oil felt as it was rubbed on the different parts of his body. Now to the taste. We wouldn’t normally use lube for fellatio but have experimented with flavoured lube in the past, but it always left a chemical-y aftertaste.. By contrast the coconut oil was out of this world; natural, warm and tasted great! In addition to adding flavour, it added a whole new consistency to way I was blowing him; with the thickness of the oil slowing things down. This sent him a little crazy as the increased friction heated the oil up and to quote “made everything intensely sensitive”. Overall, I’d recommend using coconut oil as a lube for fellatio, regardless of whether you use a flavoured lube or not. Even if you’re happy with the all-natural flavour of your favourite sexy-friend’s genitals/body parts, you’ll love change up in consistency and the nice aftertaste of coconut. Plus, you’ll totally be down with all of your #cleaneating friends.
#2 Once lubed, twice as slippery – or how stella got her garden back.
The challenge: After an extremely disturbing encounter with a cheap and nasty ‘natural’ lubricant (I know, I know, I should have known better, but I didn’t have time to shop around) – rendering both my partner and I with abrasive wounds and a 3-week sex hiatus – a fate worse than death – it was time to give the ol’ coco-oil a try.
I don’t know about you, but I personally like to treat my vagina as a beautifully cultivated flower garden, a functional landscape if you will. And if that garden were located on a tropical island, she’d be surrounded by coconut palms. Not only would I use those magical plants as a natural personal lubricant that cares for my vaginal flora, but I’d fashion yourself an extremely supportive bra or maybe even a helmet.
Coconut oil’s melting point is generally 24 degrees C, and it officially being winter here in Melbourne, I haven’t had a day that balmy in what feels like years. That means that when it’s time to apply, you have generate your own source of heat, a thorough amount of friction, let’s say. Not that I’m complaining, indeed it can serve for some rather intimate and extended foreplay, but you better be prepared to work that bitch until you reach your desired consistency. Note: don’t grab too large a lump, a little will go a long (and hard) way.
After significant stroking, it was time to tend your garden. Coconut oil has a luscious thickness to it, that, unlike most store-bought brands, still allows for a slick adventure without turning your love-cup into a slip-and-slide. And it still generates some heat whilst working away, giving you that lovely ‘hot cocoa by the fireside’ feel. Moreover, when done, you don’t have a gloopy mess to mop up, rather, that love potion will be absorbed right into your skin, leaving you with sinfully-supple flap-flesh. I’ll never need to buy lube again – Happy gardening!
So there ya are folks, two happy coconutters. Hardly a representative sample but it’s a start. Have you been experimenting with coconut oil? Did it go well? Maybe it didn’t (don’t sweat it, it happens). Hit us up with your cocoperience in the comments.