Sex Geekdom Homecoming 6/10- Putting A Ring On It (Fisting and Marriage)

Posted by on June 21, 2014 in Blog, Sex Geekdom | 0 comments

Welcome to my Sex Geekdom Homecoming, 10 days, 10 articles. As I pack my bags and get ready to head back to the birthplace of Sex Geekdom, I’m gonna share a few stories from the vault, from the field and some from the heart. This one comes from a special place, deep deep down inside me. 

Even as I type this I’m not sure how I ended up here, but let’s try to connect the dots.

Two weeks ago I had a long and poorly articulated conversation about marriage over dinner.

One week ago, I quipped that yoga and fisting were actually very similar (something about the importance of breathing and both being attempts at finding your inner self).

Last night I danced to Beyonce’s Single Ladies at a World Cup themed event.

This morning, I woke up with the title ‘Putting a ring on it- Fisting and Marriage’ in my head. So indulge me, and let’s see where this goes ok?

I’ve never been fisted, I’ve never been married either. I don’t say this because I have anything against fisting or marriage. Quite the contrary actually, I admire people who wear their commitment and trust on their sleeve and marriage isn’t bad either.

I’ve generally shied away from esoteric sexual activities, because I’m lazy and if they involve equipment soundproofing and industrial strength anything-I’m out. Same reason I’m not a diver or snorkeler, got nothing against fish, it’s just too much gear for me. I’m a guy that gets annoyed when I have to tie my own shoes, I’m hardly gonna be gagging for rope play anytime soon.

It’s my job to understand them and I’m constantly blown away by the creativity, professionalism and camaraderie within kink communities. I mean, never say never, one day I might meet someone who is really into something particular and all it would take is a bit of swagger, a glint in their eye and I’d be hanging upside down with nipple clamps. It just hasn’t happened yet. So for now, it is a purely professional interest.

Likewise I’ve traditionally been wary of marriage. The other night when I was trying to explain my aversion to it, it came out all wrong. Granted I was talking to two newlyweds, recently retuned from their honeymoon and it was never gonna go down well, but it was more about my inability to articulate my position than anything else. I was glib and self-deprecating and that was met with confusion and understandable defensiveness.

The thing is in my personal life I’m a sex geek, a rabblerouser, I have a predilection for the profane and controversial, I like humour,  take liberties and make assumptions.

In my professional life I handle contentious issues with empathy and patience, I am willing to engage groups and individuals on challenging topics. However I’m cognisant to execute it in a manner that everyone feels included and safe. I endeavour to deliver a challenging but positive experience.

Now If I were asked to comment on marriage in a professional context I’d talk about the importance of communication and negotiated relationship dynamics, the joy of experimentation within a relationship and keeping things fresh. In a personal context I’m tongue-tied.

If I were asked to discuss fisting while on the job, I’d sit ’em done and we’d talk sigmoid colons or the intimacy and intensity of ‘fullness’. At home, at a dinner party I’d make sock puppet jokes.

Sometimes, in the absence of a whiteboard, some butchers paper and a pay cheque I’m simply not ‘on’ and I’m often my flawed and problematic self. There is a certain duality that I’m yet to fully work through. I’m sure I’m not the first Sex Geek/sexual health educator who has been asked to dinner and made to sing for their supper. As these two worlds begin to entangle they are increasingly hard to separate.

When sex if your passion as well as your profession it can be hard to negotiate. While I love my job and the work I do, I’m not sure I’m ready to be married to it. Maybe Beyonce was right, “acting up, drink in my cup, I could care less what you think” and I ain’t no silent duck.

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Sex Geeks how do you deal with being on the job and just kicking back and getting your Sex Geek on?